Ever since I was little, I’ve had crazy dreams. I can remember vivid details for days afterwards. For example, when I was eight years old I dreamt that I a totem pole came to life and attacked my family in my grandmother’s house. I escaped by hiding in the cabinet under the bathroom sink.
Here is my latest dream, which Steve LaBate suggested I document:
I moved back into my childhood bedroom in Maryland – the one with the aqua colored walls. In my dream, the previous owners had started to knock out a wall to make a closet, but stopped midway through. They did a bad job repairing and left a two-inch hole in the wall. Curious Caren looked through it and discovered that on the other side of the wall was the ancient Mayan empire! That’s right, the civilization didn’t vanish – it relocated to my closet!
So I called together some coworkers for an expedition. We were going to figure out what happened behind my wall. But first, we needed a leader. That leader was actor and director, Christopher Guest, subject of Paste Magazine’s most recent cover story. “Topher” (as he liked to be called in my dream) was curt, but boy oh boy did he like expeditions! So we set off for an adventure, leaving behind a coworker who was in a cast. “You’ll slow us up,” I said.
Topher led the five of us to a small cliff overlooking a rocky ocean. It was very Laguna Beach at first – sunny day, great waves. There on the cliff I saw a long lost sorority sister.
“What are you doing here?” I asked her. “You’re married now – you can’t go on an expedition!!”
“I’m waiting for Britney Spears!” she said. “I hear she’s making an appearance here today for a photoshoot.”
“Britney Spears is not coming,” I countered. “Why would she be on a cliff?”
“She wants to be on the expedition, too,” said my sorority sister.
“No, Topher doesn’t like Britney Spears,” I said. “She can’t be here.”
But my sorority sister didn’t care to listen to me. She dove into the water, barely missing some rocks, and said “I’ll just wait here for her. You’ll see.”
While I was talking to my sorority sister, the rest of the expedition went off into the woods. Suddenly the beach was the rainforest, and the ocean was the Amazon river.
Then all of a sudden Britney Spears was there, sans babies and sans shoes. Before my sorority sister could say, “Told you so!,” I thought – Whoa! Britney Spears and Christopher Guest… on an expedition together?! This is crazy! This is the reality TV show idea I’ve been waiting for! Like the Amazing Race, but better!
The members of the expedition reappeared, covered in black soil and mud. “It’s an exfoliating treatment,” said one of my coworkers. “We have to wash it in the river now.” They all walked into the river, but I realized Topher was missing. No one seemed to mind that Britney Spears was there, so I went to grab a videocamera.
I turned my back on my team and I heard the screams. The Mayans had appeared. They were warriors, chasing everyone into the water where piranhas waited anxiously. I climbed a tree to hide. I couldn’t watch it… Britney Spears screamed like a banshee. No one stood a chance.
The Mayans retreated. No one was left. All this, and for what? Exfoliating treatments and a massacre? And where was that Topher Guest! I climbed out of the tree and saw a leaf blow away near my feet. Something was sticking out of the sand. I bent down and realized it was a nose – the nose of Mr. Guest. I dug up the sand quickly and unearthed Topher, who had buried himself in the sand for protection, leaving only his nose above ground so he could breathe.
"You coward!" I yelled. “You led us into a death trap and had time to hide!”
But Topher didn’t have time for this. Echoing words he told Jason Killingsworth, he said, “Well, I hope you have something to work with. Bye now.”
This dream should serve as a warning to children: Do not watch Mel Gibson interviews before you go to bed.