Monday, June 23, 2008

Caren Explains Her Old Journal

Thursday was my last day at Paste.

It feels strange to even write that. Four years come and gone so quickly, with so much having transpired in between. (I'll have to write another post-Paste blog later when I'm not on a dial-up connection)

While I was cleaning out my file cabinet I found an old journal -- the one I kept in the summer and fall of 2003, during my mission work in North Dakota, my internship at MTV, and my semester abroad in London. I went from an Indian reservation to Times Square to a shoebox-sized flat in London, all within a 3 month timespan. As someone who abhors change, this phase of my life proved to be the most challenging and terrifying, and consequently, the most defining and rewarding one.

When I reread the journal it was surreal. In some ways, I think I was more profound and self-aware at 20 than I am now. But then I'll come across a passage where I clearly had no faith in my future or in God's will or in myself, and think, 'How could you be so naive to think things wouldn't work out?'

And they did work out, brilliantly. I got to have my dream job -- the one I described in an undergraduate college application. I also met incredible, hard-working people along the way and am now blessed with lifelong friends. There were also times when I was pushed to my intellectual and emotional limits, but am now stronger for it. I have seen the dark underbelly of entrepreneurship, the importance of "corporate responsibility" in mega-companies, and how hard it is to be an adult... how hard it is to care so much.

Reading my journal was also strange because I felt so much calmer than my old self, and much more confident and excited for the unknown successes and challenges to come. Not to say that I'm not sad to see these other parts of my life expire. It is devastating.

But one thing I can take away from the past five years, and the journal entries I wrote those years ago, is that things always work out as they are supposed to. I have to remind myself that I only have the little snapshot, when God has the big picture.

And I can't wait to see what develops.

1 comment:

Amanda & Ben said...

Such wisdom! Congratulations on the beginning of the next adventure. I thought of your next next adventure recently... Weird Al has to retire eventually. You'd likely have to "dumb down" your work a little, but apparently he makes a living doing what he does, so why couldn't you? Ben says you could follow Jay-Z's example, and follow-up your freshman album with your more esoteric work.