Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Caren Explains Stalkerbook's Predictive Power

I just loaded Facebook and got this notice in my "News Feed":

JANE DOE just joined Facebook.
You both went to the same university. If you know JANE DOE, perhaps you should add JANE as a friend.

Creepy, right?

But, see, Facebook already knows that I know Jane Doe because of its algorhythms and such... it knows that we have 35 friends in common and had the same major, so the likelihood that we know each other is quite high. More so than creepy, this is just Facebook trying to be sneaky... kind of like a romantic comedy plot line where OUTGOING GIRL is trying to set up SHY GAL with HOT GUY...


OUTGOING FRIEND and SHY GAL arrive at the party. SHY GIRL looks around nervously. She has been stalking HOT GUY but has never talked to him. OUTGOING GIRL assures her that he is at the party and that she will introduce them.

SHY GAL - Are you sure about this? What if I say something stupid!

OUTGOING GIRL - Relax! You'll be fine. Just go with it.

OUTGOING GIRL approaches HOT GUY, who is standing at the bar. SHY GAL stay a close distance behind.

OUTGOING GIRL (to HOT GUY) - Hey, what's up? I'm surprised you're here and not at the game.

HOT GUY - I'm TiVo'ing it. (to BARTENDER) Amstel Light!

OUTGOING GIRL - I don't know anything about football... but my friend, SHY GAL, keeps trying to get me to watch. Do you know her?

HOT GUY - Who?

OUTGOING GIRL (to SHY GAL) - Hey! Come here! (to HOT GUY) This is my friend, SHY GAL.


HOT GUY - Hey. We've got a class together right?

SHY GAL - Yeah, I think it's "The Science & Myth of Baseball in the Early 20th Century"

HOT GUY - Oh, right.

You get the picture.

So I wonder... at what point will Facebook be able to make other deductions about my life?


MARY is online. You live at the same address as Mary. Perhaps you and Mary are roommates.

LAUREN is sad that her Kitty is sick. You took care of Kitty while Lauren was in France. If you care about her, perhaps you should give Lauren a hug.

4 of your friends went from "In a Relationship" to "Single." Perhaps you should set them up so they aren't so heartbroken.

8 of your friends are attending the event "BAR EXAM" this month. If you want to be a good friend, perhaps you should send them free drinks using our HAPPY HOUR application!

and my favorite...

JOHN DOE added "Nickelback" to his "Favorite Music". Perhaps you should un-friend JOHN DOE.


theleila said...

ha! nickelback suck.

Anonymous said...

Those of us attending "BAR EXAM" would prefer, instead of "Happy Hour," prayers and good thoughts sent our way. Also, currently we could probably use prayers that we stop procrastinating by reading blogs...

oh, and Nickelback sucks.