Caren Explains the Songs You're Hearing During the Olympics

Things I Enjoy About the Olympics:
- That the gymnasts wear scrunchies...?
- Watching water polo!
- The commercials

And there are a lot of commercials to choose from... I've been surprised by how many of my favorite musicians have sold their music to commercials and TV promos [Ed: Notice I did not say "sold out"... I like to differentiate myself from hipsters who hate commercialism yet ironically embrace it].

Look at all the songs I've heard just this week!

"Sincerely Jane" by Janelle Monae, used in the Season 2 promo for "Lipstick Jungle" on NBC

"Crane Wife 3" by The Decemberists, used in a VISA commercial?? (clearly not a memorable commercial)

"Scar That Never Heals" by Jeremy Fisher, used in a VW Autobahn commercial

Hem featured in another Liberty Mutual ad

"The Story" by Brandi Carlile, used in a GM commercial

"Lazy Eye," Silversun Pickups, used in Chevy Malibu commercial

What other songs have you heard?

Caren Explains Her Break-Up With Her MacBook

I'm really depressed today.

I just broke-up with my MacBook. It was a short but intense relationship. We had a great weekend together -- setting up the wireless network, making playlists in iTunes, building photo albums, sitting together in the coffee shop...

But our relationship was doomed from the start. The relationship wasn't supported by my school, nor my cellphone, which only connects with PCs.

Yet we were so compatible! My friends thought so, too! When we were together, everything made sense... drag-and-drop, toggling between windows, photo editing... it was all so easy.

I stubbornly tried to fight everyone who said we couldn't be together. I partitioned the hard drive to run Windows simultaneously with Mac OS, but it was no use... I was putting too much pressure on Mac until it just broke down... seriously: the hardware broke.

Mac and I fought all this morning until I was in tears. I called Apple Care for support while Mac made a wailing, siren-like sound. I went to the Apple Store in hopes of reconciliation, but when I heard that Mac had in fact suffered a break down, I couldn't commit.

I miss you already, Mac. I know it's too soon to say that, but I do... and I know, deep down, that you were right to make this happen. But one day, when I'm done with school, I hope we can get back together... until then, I'll have to distract myself and see what else is on the market...

I hope you miss me, too.

Mark (a Mac user) made me this mix to help me through.

The Break-Up
1. "Let It Die," Feist
2. "If Loving You Is Wrong," O.B. McClinton
3. "Crown of Love," The Arcade Fire
4. "For Emma," Bon Iver
5. "Trials," Damien Jurado
6. "The Funeral," Band of Horses
7. "Lord, I'm Discouraged," The Hold Steady
8. "Last Goodbye," Jeff Buckley
9. "You Let Me Down," Billie Holiday
10. "Where Is My Love," Cat Power
11. "I'm So Lonesome (I Could Cry)," Atlas Sound
12. "No Expectations," The Rolling Stones
13. "Too Late," M83
14. "Fading Lights Are Fading Reign Rebuilder [Tail Out]," Set Fire to Flames
15. "Paris Night Diana," David Brent

Caren Explains IKEA as a Relationship Test

A trip to IKEA should really be a requirement in all budding relationships -- a litmus test, if you will. Maybe ministers can add it to the list of things involved in pre-marital counseling classes.

I say this because you can learn a lot about a person based on how he or she tackles this Swedish Fun-House of Furnishings. Deciding how you want to live in 263 sq feet of space will reveal quite a bit about your...

- Patience
- Imagination
- Taste (or lack thereof)
- Spending habits
- Organizational skills

The true test, though, will be when the couple gets home and tries to assemble furniture called Utby and Malm using IKEA's cartoonish instructions, wooden pegs and strange screws.

Unfortunately this test should really be administered at the beginning of a relationship, but a new boyfriend or girlfriend to take you to IKEA might freak them out, kind of like this someecard:

Caren Explains Stalkerbook's Predictive Power

I just loaded Facebook and got this notice in my "News Feed":

JANE DOE just joined Facebook.
You both went to the same university. If you know JANE DOE, perhaps you should add JANE as a friend.

Creepy, right?

But, see, Facebook already knows that I know Jane Doe because of its algorhythms and such... it knows that we have 35 friends in common and had the same major, so the likelihood that we know each other is quite high. More so than creepy, this is just Facebook trying to be sneaky... kind of like a romantic comedy plot line where OUTGOING GIRL is trying to set up SHY GAL with HOT GUY...

SCENE 2 - INTERIOR, PARTY

OUTGOING FRIEND and SHY GAL arrive at the party. SHY GIRL looks around nervously. She has been stalking HOT GUY but has never talked to him. OUTGOING GIRL assures her that he is at the party and that she will introduce them.

SHY GAL - Are you sure about this? What if I say something stupid!

OUTGOING GIRL - Relax! You'll be fine. Just go with it.

OUTGOING GIRL approaches HOT GUY, who is standing at the bar. SHY GAL stay a close distance behind.

OUTGOING GIRL (to HOT GUY) - Hey, what's up? I'm surprised you're here and not at the game.

HOT GUY - I'm TiVo'ing it. (to BARTENDER) Amstel Light!

OUTGOING GIRL - I don't know anything about football... but my friend, SHY GAL, keeps trying to get me to watch. Do you know her?

HOT GUY - Who?

OUTGOING GIRL (to SHY GAL) - Hey! Come here! (to HOT GUY) This is my friend, SHY GAL.

SHY GAL - Hi.

HOT GUY - Hey. We've got a class together right?

SHY GAL - Yeah, I think it's "The Science & Myth of Baseball in the Early 20th Century"

HOT GUY - Oh, right.

You get the picture.

So I wonder... at what point will Facebook be able to make other deductions about my life?

Like...

MARY is online. You live at the same address as Mary. Perhaps you and Mary are roommates.

LAUREN is sad that her Kitty is sick. You took care of Kitty while Lauren was in France. If you care about her, perhaps you should give Lauren a hug.

4 of your friends went from "In a Relationship" to "Single." Perhaps you should set them up so they aren't so heartbroken.

8 of your friends are attending the event "BAR EXAM" this month. If you want to be a good friend, perhaps you should send them free drinks using our HAPPY HOUR application!

and my favorite...

JOHN DOE added "Nickelback" to his "Favorite Music". Perhaps you should un-friend JOHN DOE.

Caren Explains Her Pre-School Homework

Now that I'm done traveling, I'm jobless and waiting for school to start. My own private purgatory... maybe "holding pattern" is more appropriate, though Rachael calls it the "River of Tears."

To keep from going stir-crazy I've been staying out of the house and instead rotating from one coffee shop to the other... this is mostly so that the baristas don't realize how much I'm taking advantage of their free Internet and refills policies.

I go to these coffee shops so I can complete some pre-school, pre-orientation homework. So far there are two key takeaways from this series of math "tutorials":

1) I feel smarter already.
2) I want to slam my head against a wall.

The makers of these tutorials have a sense of humor, though. Occasionally there is funny clip-art animations, like the one below, which is apparently illustrates the consequences of over-staffing a hotel and having idle bellhops (take note, Dad!):



Welcome to the next two years of my life!