Showing posts with label paste magazine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label paste magazine. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Reflections from my desk at Paste magazine, 8 years ago




Last week one of the folks at Paste magazine posted some photos from its old office in Decatur, Georgia.

The photos were taken in September 2005, a few months after I'd started my job there. In one of the shots, you can see me hunched over my desk -- a happy workaholic -- surrounded by what a fire marshall would deem a disaster waiting to happen.

With the news Facebook's bajillion-dollar acquisition of Instagram, it was especially nice to see this digital time capsule opened up last week. Photos and their memories are incredibly powerful. This particular album reminded me of my own days at a start-up (albeit of a different sort) and what really goes into that work: a lot of love, frustration and faith.

I shared the following reflection on Facebook but wanted to expand on it and give it a bit more breathing room...
I vividly remember the first time I visited the Paste office for my internship interview, at the recommendation of my wonderful sorority advisor and friend, Christy. Situated next to the train tracks and above a frame store, the office looked like a frat house occupied by music geeks.

Overdressed in my pencil skirt and heels, I plopped down on a hand-me-down couch to talk to Paste's publisher, Nick Purdy, who gave me the first case interview of my career. I was sure I bombed it, but on the way out he suggested a start date of August. Surrounded by posters, CDs and shipments of magazines, it was all a bit overwhelming and I wondered what the heck I was getting myself into.

A year later, they couldn't drag me out of that place and they had no choice but to hire me on full-time. My coworker, Jeremy, donated his old college desk so that I had a place to sit. We built it in what little space was left in the place, while other folks were sitting two to a table (while our interns got resourceful and turned huge rolls of bubble wrap into makeshift workstations). The Brick Store Pub acted as our conference room and we shared team lunches on the roof. We took turns taking out the trash and answering customer service inquiries. If the train was rolling by, we put our phone calls on hold.

In the years that followed, Paste grew-up and got a bigger office and I learned how hard it is to build something from scratch. I also learned how rewarding it is when you succeed. Many of my coworkers had second jobs -- valeting cars, writing press releases, coding for other companies -- but you wouldn't have known it from how hard everyone worked when they arrived at the office each day. Every contract, every subscription and every award was a tiny victory that each of us had a hand in.

More importantly, I learned that it's true what they say: to love what you do, you must do what you love (and it doesn't hurt to surround yourself with good, smart and creative people).

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Caren Explains The Low Anthem

Folk Festival 50 performers, The Low Anthem, drop an album today called "Oh My God, Charlie Darwin"... which I always want to write as "Oh-my-GAWD, Charlie Darwin!!" for no apparent reason. Maybe because I spent too much time in the South.

The Phoenix up here in New England likes it.
So does Paste magazine down in Atlanta.

By the way, have you contributed to Save Paste yet? You get over 150 mp3s with your donation, no matter the amount. Plus, you help my friends keep their jobs and then the Paste kids can go to camp. Everybody wins.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Caren Explains: Clap Your Hands Say G. Love

Back from Chicago, where we hosted "Paste Presents: Live in Chicago!" featuring unannounced performances from OurStage star, Haunt (who I liked a lot), Alec Ounsworth of Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and G. Love at a small venue.

Ounsworth invited Elvis Perkins out for the performance and the two put on a unique acoustic show, which I especially appreciated, having seen both artists play multiple shows already. Ounsworth has such a recognizable voice (well, to anyone who knows CYHSY) and it was interesting to hear it away from the normal CYHSY sound.

The rest of CYHSY was supposed to arrive later for a full band, acoustic set, but travel problems prevented that.

G. Love took the stage last, for an acoustic set of his own. I made it upstairs from Door duties in time to hear "Cold Beverages," my fav of his songs.

Perhaps the most intense moment of the night was taking on not just one, but both, of my superiors at Guitar Hero II... unfortunately only 8 songs were available from the menu so all of my hours of practicing "Sweet Child O'Mine" were useless...

Here's a picture I took from backstage at the show (with my camera phone, so please forgive quality):



... and the writing on the bathroom wall:

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Bonnaroo Recap



Returned from Bonnaroo late Sunday night. While there I discovered allergies I didn't know I had. I also brought back some souveniers! A few t-shirts, lots of empty water bottles, pictures, stories and half a pound of dust now lining my bathtub.

Read about my journey on the Paste Magazine blog:
A Girl's Eye View of Bonnaroo
A Girl and Her Guitar Hero Favorites at Bonnaroo
A Girl's Camera View of Bonnaroo

Interviews will be coming soon on the podcast. Here's a shot from our interview with The Annuals, who have a set of mouse tattoos inked on different body parts...



Other things I did not write about because they were fan-girl moments:

- Meeting Wayne Coyne (thanks Jay!) who is much taller than I thought
- Saying hello to John Paul Jones of Led Zeppelin under the impression that he was John from Widespread Panic (whoops! at least I stayed calm!)
- Watching an 11-year-old girl named Sarah introduce her boyfriend, John Michael, to her daddy at a Fazoli's off I-24... so precious!

CK

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Chatting It Up: Arcade Fire, Spiderman, Ben Gibbard

I recently discovered that it is fun to repurpose IM/GChat conversations on blogs. Maybe not if you aren't involved in the chat. But observe this nine-person chat about The Arcade Fire show in Atlanta, and the one about how Evil Spider-man looks like Conor Oberst.

I'll continue this trend by posting a typical Caren-Carlyn conversation, saved from last week and now posted on the night of the Ben Gibbard concert in DC. Appropriate given the context. This is why we are our favorite GChatters.

Caren: I saw a guy with a hulk hogan-type mustache that rivals Brandon Flowers' as coolest
Carlyn: I love mustaches!
Caren: i know! u'd love this guy!
Carlyn: probably would, not too many mustaches in dc. which is sad
Carlyn: fyi - you know the black cat has hit it big when it's mentioned on GILMORE GIRLS
Caren: WHAT?!?
Carlyn: yes my friend. as i was watching gilmore girls last night (shh, don't tell paste)
Caren: we watch too. our editors LOVE it. and they're dudes. what was the context of it?
Carlyn: the husband of the asian chick is going on tour with a band named Vaporub, or something like that and they're going to hit NYC and DC, places like ___, the 9:30 club and the Black Cat. and sheelu and i were like... waaah?
Caren: hah! love it!


Death Cab for Cutie as legos

Carlyn: Dear Paste Magazine,
A friend and I scored tickets to Ben Gibbard's solo tour.
What are we supposed to expect?
Does he have his own songs he's going to sing? Is he breaking away from the two projects?
Am I going to have to put up with 14 year olds making out? Or do we hope they only know death cab, and not ben gibbard?
Caren: Dear Death Cab Cutie,
Ben Gibbard leads up The Postal Service side project, with Jenny Lewis. It is very techno and he may sing songs from that, including "Such Great Heights," which Iron & Wine made famous in Garden State
With David Bazan of Pedro the Lion opening, you have two lead singers on their own, so the likelihood of 14 year olds is slim to none. However, you may see other people making out, particularly when Gibbard sings "I'll Follow You Into the Dark."

Carlyn: good call
Caren: Enjoy, and who knows -- maybe you'll find a special someone to makeout with, too. Love, Paste Magazine
Carlyn: That was amazing
Caren: good. David Bazan is cool too
Carlyn: i love pedro the lion. i saw him in 2001. oh jesus
Caren: Johnathan Rice is also opening. he is A-MAZ-ING. born in the DC area, but grew up Scottish I think?
Carlyn: i don't know anything about him, so i'm excited to see him
Caren: he is actually dating Jenny Lewis i think
Carlyn: i thought you said jerry lewis, and i was like. whoa now.

Enjoy the concert tonight, Carlyn and Flaxy. I'm jealous.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Concert Poster of My Dreams

I had another rock dream with Andrew Bird AND The Shins... read about it (and see my awesome visual) here.

CK

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Too Many Concerts = Exhaustion + Good Stories

Two weeks ago I went to 5 concerts in 5 days. I don't so much remember a lot of that week because I was exhausted. Here's a recap:

Concert 1: Manchester Orchestra, with Kevin Devine and Brand New
Concert 2: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah(Carlyn, I still think that they're really Icelandic...)
Concert 3: Brandi Carlile
Concert 4: Sweetwater 420 Fest
Concert 5: Atlanta Film Festival After-Party, with Ari Hest and Tin Cup Prophette, hosted by Paste

The AFF party was awesome... who knew our office was such a cool concert venue? I'll have pictures soon.

Then I went to NYC and hoped to take a concert break... but The Frames were in town. I was disappointed that The Frames didn't make it to SXSW (they were gonna play our party, too...) but this made up for it. They played all of my favorite old songs and new material, including songs from the soundtrack to Glen's movie, Once. My favorite is "Leave." Irish men normally dance around their feelings, especially sensitive subjects. So to hear Glen belt out this raw song was especially moving.

Last night was The Arcade Freakin Fire.

When I first saw The Arcade Fire in 2005, I didn't like them too much. Not because of anything they did, but because I hadn't really gotten into their debut album, Funeral. But my buddy Nate made me go see them at ACL Festival with him. Good call, Nate. It was 115 degrees in Austin, and the band members were in sweaters and suits. They played until they collapsed on stage... even then one band member was hitting a cymbal while flat on his back. On the bus ride back to the parking lot, one fan started chanting the words to "Neighborhood #2" -- "Alexander... older brother!" -- and the whole bus joined in.

This show was just as good, but indoors where it was air conditioned. Adam and I rushed the stage when Win Butler said it was okay to do so. I jumped around and danced as long as I could stand it, but it was too crowded down there and I got a little panicked. I watched the rest of the show from the safety of my Row P seat.

Here are some pictures (all by Christiano Prado).







No other concerts planned for awhile... what's a girl to do?

CK

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Modest Mouse, Hold Steady, new issues of Paste

Well I wasn't going to post the May (Summer Festival Preview Issue) cover of Paste for awhile but Stereogum did, so I guess the cat is out of the bag.

Issue 32 (May 2007) of Paste



This is the first national cover for The Hold Steady, who I previously dreamt about in a very Spinal Tap-inspired dream sequence. The cover turned out a little greener than we thought it would... maybe the Georgia pollen got to it...

And now on newsstands is Issue 30 (April 2007) featuring Modest Mouse, who debuted at #1 on Billboard! Incredible. Probably the best example of a band that has been able to go very mainstream and still maintain its indie-cred... maybe Death Cab, too... but the don't have Johnny Marr playing with them and that's beyond cool.



Check out the video for Modest Mouse's first single, "Dashboard"... it makes me laugh.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Little Miss SXSW: The Musical

Friends have been asking about SXSW, and I've been meaning to post about it. But I was tired for the entire week following the journey, so pardon the delay.

The best adjective to describe SXSW is overwhelming. At times I was ready to collapse on 6th Street from exhaustion, and other times I was so freakin excited to be working in the music & media industries that I couldn't stop smiling.

This year was a lot of work for me and not as much concert-going as last year. On top of some great business meetings, Paste hosted/sponsored four events this year -- our annual day party at Maggie Mae's (with DiscRevolt, WXPN, and Three Thieves), our official showcase with SoundExchange, a day party with The Militia Group, and an evening house party at Synthetic Pictures creekside studios.

I was sad for everything to end because SXSW-prep stole a lot of my time and energy in Q1. Very proud of how everything turned out, though.

Among the bands I wish I'd seen but didn't: The Fratellis, The Blood Arm, MuteMath, Damien Dempsey, Andrew Bird

To tell you more about what I did see, I will now be creative and use a musical format... yes, that's right... I give you:

LITTLE MISS SXSW: THE MUSICAL



Day 1: All Over the Place

Scene 1: Hartsfield International Airport

"Wait For Me! (I Have Baggage!)”.............. Caren and Leila
“Breakfast Ends at 10am!”.................. Chili's Staff
"We'll Drink Instead"....................... Caren and Leila

Scene 2: Somewhere in the Middle of Texas

“Driving Thru a Satanic Car Wash"........... Jason and Jared
"This Storm Will Pass"..................... Caren and Leila
"Haven't You Seen a Brit Before?".................. Leila, Sketchy Gas Station Guy

Scene 3: Austin Convention Center

“I Miss Arrested Development”................ Caren, David Cross

Scene 4: Opal Divine's

"Where Is This Place? (Caren Is Confused)"........ Jared and Leila
"First Strangers, Now Friends".............. Caren, Andy's Friends in Austin

Scene 5: La Zona Rosa

“Whoo! Alright-Yeah...Uh Huh"............... The Rapture
"Let's Be Lame and Do Some Work"................. Caren and Jared

INTERMISSION



Day 2: Austin, TX

Scene 1: Magnolia Cafe

"Let's Start the Day"....................... Paste Business Team

Scene 2: GSD&M

"Once Upon a Time, I Applied Here"................... Caren, Media Planners

Scene 3: New West Records Party

“Nothing Like a Lone Star Beer"............. Ensemble
“Rickie Lee Jones Freak Out"................ Ensemble

Scene 4: Rhapsody Showcase at Mohawks

"To the Bat Phone!"......................... Robyn Hitchcock, Peter Buck
"Give Me Back My Bass"...................... Peter, Bjorn & John

Scene 5: KLRU Studios - Austin City Limits set

Musical Interlude........................... The Apples In Stereo

Scene 6: Ringers Bar

"Tar Heel Fans Unite"....................... Nate, Austin, Caren, Brian

Scene 7: Sixth Street

"Cellphone Died Again"...................... Caren
"It's a Long, Long Line to Our Show"............... MuteMath
"Who Knew I Was a Little Edgy?"............. Rocky Votalato
"On a Couch With a Smashing Pumpkin"........ Caren, James Iha
"When Ice Hits Your Head"................... Albert Hammond Jr.

INTERMISSION



Day 3: Austin, TX

Scene 1: Paste SXSW Party, Maggie Mae's

"Where Have All the Gift Bags Gone?"........ Paste Business Team
"Do the Boxed-Wine Box-Step!"................ Ensemble
"We Were Hardened by the War"......... Cold War Kids
"It's a Wonderful Life"....................... Caren

Scene 2: Eddie V's

"Drunk at Dinner"........................... Caren, Others? (Anyone?)
"Tomohawk (Steak) Chop!".................... Paste Editorial Team

Scene 3: Paste Showcase, Austin Convention Center

"Full of Surprises (Freestyle Interlude)"... Pigeon John, Gift of Gab
"I Roll Six Deep"........................... Jamie Kennedy
"Cookies and the Spree"..................... Ensemble, Polyphonic Spree

INTERMISSION



Day 4: Austin, TX

Scene 1: Paste Day at the Belmont

"Nice Day For Sunscreen"................... Ensemble
"Green On St Patrick's Day"................ Ensemble
"You Can Steal Our Van (But You Can't Steal the Rock)"......... Colour Revolt
"Death Be My Cellphone".................... Caren
"I'll Follow You To Every Party"........... Jamie Kennedy
"Drunk at Dinner (Reprise)"................ Paste Editorial Team

Scene 2: Uchi Restaurant

"Sushi or Sashimi?"........................ Waiter, Business Colleagues

Scene 3: Dive Bar

"How Did We Get Here?"..................... Caren, Tim
"Fender Bender Blues"...................... Ensemble

Scene 4: Synthetic Pictures Studios, backyard creek

"I Wanna Be (Where Grey Goose Is Free)".... Ensemble
"Let's Get Loud"........................... The Ringers
"What Would Ringo Do?"..................... The Redwalls

Day 5: Austin, TX

Scene 1: Somewhere In the Middle of Texas

"Broke Down Buick, Broken Foot".............. Kate, Jared
"Whataburger, Whataday".................. Paste Editorial Team

Scene 2: Houston Airport

"Wait For Me! I Have Baggage (Reprise)".... Paste Ensemble

FINALE

"Little Miss SXSW"......................... Ensemble

END

Friday, March 09, 2007

Little Miss SXSW

On Wednesday, we at Paste (Josh, Tim, Reid, Jason, Steve, Austin, Kate, Jared, Nate, Leila and I) head off for SXSW in Austin, TX... well, for Houston, where we will be renting a van and driving to the conference. Reid has volunteered to be soccer mom for the week and will run carpool around town.

Snaps to Jason for this wonderful poster, in preparation for our trip (click to expand):



But someone is noticably missing... so I must add:

Sunday, March 04, 2007

New York, New York

Still recovering from a whirlwind trip to the Big Apple (got a bad cold up there, unfortunately). I love Manhattan and would live there if I could afford the kind of lifestyle I have in Atlanta. The energy is envigorating! Even when you're walking down the street by yourself, you're surrounded by people -- nice people (NY gets a bad rep). For example, the Kinkos on 5th did a job for me at 60% off the regular cost just because they wanted me to come back again.

Gotta make the most of every trip to the city, especially since I don't get a lot of face time with NY business colleagues and partners. The guys and I met with some ad agencies, publicity firms, record labels, and managers. I even saw Matt Pinfield (in passing), who made me want to pursue a job in the music industry and who no one else seemed to recognize but me.

The real purpose for the trip to NY was the "Paste Presents" concert at the Knitting Factory. Joseph Arthur & the Lonely Astronauts opened with new material from their upcoming album, including "Cocaine Feet" and "Diamond Ring."



As I previously posted, Joseph Arthur is also a painter and I'm always fascinated by his work. Lonely Astronauts guitarist Jen Turner has a "Joseph Arthur original" tattoo. For the past year I've thought about getting a tattoo on my foot -- the outline of a blackbird, inspired by my favorite Beatles song. Jen said I should've asked Joe to draw it for me... how cool would that be? It would hurt like hell to get a tattoo on the top of my foot, but it would be cool...

Kaki King, one of Rolling Stone's "new guitar god(esse)s," showed up to play between sets... she was freakin amazing! And as the only woman on the Rolling Stone list, I guess that makes her the queen of the guitar world!



Son Volt headlined with a long set, including new songs from their March release. I was a bit intimidated by Jay Farrar cause he is a cool dude and influential musician. "The Picture," with backing brass, is my fav of the new songs.

We were hoping Norah Jones would show up for the show, but she said she could only do it if her schedule permitted... guess there was a conflict. Turns out Brandi Carlile was uptown, though, so she and the Twins showed up to play an impromptu set. Tracks included "The Story," from her sophomore effort, and covers of "Creep" and "Hallelujah." I have video but the audio is awful... I'll try to fix it and post. Read more about Brandi in the April issue of Paste.



And stay tuned for live tracks and interviews from the show on the Paste Culture Club podcast.

Variety coverage of the concert
Cool picture from the crowd
Shore Fire's blog and party pics

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Joseph Arthur, Painting, and Expression

I've been painting and drawing all my life, and as a child had work in some local galleries and public spaces. I regret that I haven't kept up with it as much as I would like, but here's something I recently finished in honor of Paul McCartney's 64th birthday... [picture of it was taken with a camera phone, so quality and size aren't accurate]



Most everything I draw or paint revolves around people -- no landscapes or abstract things. I have a hard time capturing those images, whereas I am fascinated by the emotion people convey in their faces and body language. Still, whenever I see really off-the-wall, imaginative works I get frustrated that I can't see the world that way.

Jay Sweet has a cool story about Joseph Arthur over on his blog.

Reminds me me of the poem Arthur wrote for Issue 15 (April/May 05) of Paste. It's my favorite thing we've ever published.

Painting might be impossible to write about
It’s a place beyond words from where it comes
It’s nature showing strange flowers
It’s a drug that obliterates the self
It’s a mirror in the spirit world
It’s where the shadows come out to play
It’s a shared hallucination
It’s dream made material set ablase in the night
Maybe it goes beyond everything else
Like playing a guitar without strings
It’s a place man meets God and says
What the fuck
I love to paint
It’s where I go to church.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

New episode of Paste podcast; beautiful live music from HEM

On this free episode of the Paste Culture Club podcast we've got two beautiful tracks of music from HEM (the lead singer, Sally, was 8 months pregnant at the time, too!), plus an interview with the band.

You'll also get full tracks of music from M.Ward and Southern Bitch, plus part 3 of Paste's Top 30 albums of 2006.

I love those live tracks from HEM so much. They were recorded at our secret show in NY back in October.

If you haven't heard HEM before, definitely go over to PasteCultureClub.com and download the free episode. You can also get it on iTunes -- just search Paste Culture Club.

The show must go on: The Hold Steady play for Swiss Family Robinson



Check out my latest rock-inspired dream at Sleep to Dream, my blog for PasteMagazine.com.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried...

Monday, January 15, 2007

Holiday Dance Party!

I'm sad that The Office (UK) went off the air... now who will come up with these cultural goodies to share across The Pond?

Watch Ricky Gervais' David Brent dance his tush off ("for charity")...



... and Amber show him up at the Paste Xmas Party...

Friday, January 12, 2007

PLUG Awards

When I saw the list of Grammy nominees this year, I wasn't surprised. Safe choices, predictable choices -- with some exceptions, of course, just to keep things interesting. But the Grammy's play to the mainstream industry, where production and auto-tuning can buy you a damn catchy (and profitable) album.

So let me introduce you to the PLUG Independent Music Awards.

PLUG started up in 2001. The awards recognize, honor and embrace the independent music community, as well as the artists, fans, and media outlets that keep that music alive and thriving. I like that they say in their FAQ, "PLUG is the experience of trading mix tapes with friends."


(Beirut, Neko Case, CSS pictured)

Paste was honored as "Magazine of the Year" at the 2006 awards, and we're nominated again this year. If you'd like to cast a vote for this or any other category, head over to the nominees site. You'll also find out which artists, radio stations, websites, blogs, etc, impacted the independent music community this year.

There are "General" and "Obsessive" ballots... vote as you see fit, and you don't have to vote for every category. Paste and the "Magazine of the Year" category can be found under "Media (General)."

My favorite category for music is (surprisingly) Electronic/Dance Albums of the Year. All of these are awesome albums I wouldn't normally have thought to buy or download... get into the spirit of the PLUG Awards and check them out, even if you're not that into electronic stuff... it'll be fun.

Basement Jaxx - Crazy Itch Radio (XL)
Booka Shade - Movements (Get Physical)
Coldcut - Sound Mirrors (Ninja Tune)
Girl Talk - Night Ripper (Illegal Art)
Goldfrapp - We Are Glitter (Mute)
Herbert - Scale (!K7)
Hot Chip - The Warning (Astralwerks)
Junior Boys - So This Is Goodbye (Domino)
MSTRKRFT - Looks (Last Gang)
Ratatat - Classics (XL)
The Knife - Silent Shout (Mute)
Thom Yorke - The Eraser (XL)

[Especially recommend Basement Jaxx, Goldfrapp, Junior Boys, Hot Chip, Ratatat and The Knife]

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

New issue of Paste: "It'll change your life. I swear."

I'm so excited that I just can't hide it. The new issue of Paste will hit newsstands at the end of the month, but here's a sneak peak...



This one's got features on The Shins and Bloc Party, two of my favorite 'if-I-were-on-a-stranded-island-I-would-want-their-music' bands. Also, the list of Paste's top albums and films of 2006... let's discuss and dispute some time.

Get a free issue if you haven't read the mag before.

I can't wait for 2007's music... new albums from The Shins, Bloc Party, Of Montreal, Arcade Fire, Andrew Bird, Brandi Carlile, Eisley, and Apollo Sunshine. My iPod will get some good lovin' this year...

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

My Apocalypto Dream, staring Christopher Guest & Britney Spears

Ever since I was little, I’ve had crazy dreams. I can remember vivid details for days afterwards. For example, when I was eight years old I dreamt that I a totem pole came to life and attacked my family in my grandmother’s house. I escaped by hiding in the cabinet under the bathroom sink.

Here is my latest dream, which Steve LaBate suggested I document:

I moved back into my childhood bedroom in Maryland – the one with the aqua colored walls. In my dream, the previous owners had started to knock out a wall to make a closet, but stopped midway through. They did a bad job repairing and left a two-inch hole in the wall. Curious Caren looked through it and discovered that on the other side of the wall was the ancient Mayan empire! That’s right, the civilization didn’t vanish – it relocated to my closet!



So I called together some coworkers for an expedition. We were going to figure out what happened behind my wall. But first, we needed a leader. That leader was actor and director, Christopher Guest, subject of Paste Magazine’s most recent cover story. “Topher” (as he liked to be called in my dream) was curt, but boy oh boy did he like expeditions! So we set off for an adventure, leaving behind a coworker who was in a cast. “You’ll slow us up,” I said.



Topher led the five of us to a small cliff overlooking a rocky ocean. It was very Laguna Beach at first – sunny day, great waves. There on the cliff I saw a long lost sorority sister.

“What are you doing here?” I asked her. “You’re married now – you can’t go on an expedition!!”

“I’m waiting for Britney Spears!” she said. “I hear she’s making an appearance here today for a photoshoot.”

“Britney Spears is not coming,” I countered. “Why would she be on a cliff?”

“She wants to be on the expedition, too,” said my sorority sister.

“No, Topher doesn’t like Britney Spears,” I said. “She can’t be here.”

But my sorority sister didn’t care to listen to me. She dove into the water, barely missing some rocks, and said “I’ll just wait here for her. You’ll see.”

While I was talking to my sorority sister, the rest of the expedition went off into the woods. Suddenly the beach was the rainforest, and the ocean was the Amazon river.

Then all of a sudden Britney Spears was there, sans babies and sans shoes. Before my sorority sister could say, “Told you so!,” I thought – Whoa! Britney Spears and Christopher Guest… on an expedition together?! This is crazy! This is the reality TV show idea I’ve been waiting for! Like the Amazing Race, but better!



The members of the expedition reappeared, covered in black soil and mud. “It’s an exfoliating treatment,” said one of my coworkers. “We have to wash it in the river now.” They all walked into the river, but I realized Topher was missing. No one seemed to mind that Britney Spears was there, so I went to grab a videocamera.

I turned my back on my team and I heard the screams. The Mayans had appeared. They were warriors, chasing everyone into the water where piranhas waited anxiously. I climbed a tree to hide. I couldn’t watch it… Britney Spears screamed like a banshee. No one stood a chance.

The Mayans retreated. No one was left. All this, and for what? Exfoliating treatments and a massacre? And where was that Topher Guest! I climbed out of the tree and saw a leaf blow away near my feet. Something was sticking out of the sand. I bent down and realized it was a nose – the nose of Mr. Guest. I dug up the sand quickly and unearthed Topher, who had buried himself in the sand for protection, leaving only his nose above ground so he could breathe.

"You coward!" I yelled. “You led us into a death trap and had time to hide!”

But Topher didn’t have time for this. Echoing words he told Jason Killingsworth, he said, “Well, I hope you have something to work with. Bye now.”

This dream should serve as a warning to children: Do not watch Mel Gibson interviews before you go to bed.